Finding Our Way: Owning Our Shame

by Clinicians at Ganey Counseling on 11/04/14

Finding Our Way: Owning Our Shame

 

“He will again have compassion on us; he will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.”

- Micah 7:19

 

Shame. It’s the most recent buzzword. Everyone is talking about it, well, at least most therapists I know. It’s nothing new to the field of psychotherapy nor to humanity but with recent research and cultural shifts, “shame” has found itself in the spotlight once again. It’s no surprise really, because shame is a topic everyone can relate to as we all experience it from time to time. Most often in therapy or even in our personal lives we work on making that feeling of shame go away. As Brene Brown notes in her research, shame is likely tied to the ever-increasing addictions and self-injurious behaviors that are so prominent in our society.

 

Shame is that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach that makes you want to curl up in a ball and hide. While working as a behavior therapist in a preschool classroom it amazed me how frequently the kids, upon making a small mistake, would turn away from their peers and their teacher and bury their eyes away from where they could be seen. As adults we still try to hide – we just learn less obvious ways of going about it. Shame feels bad.

 

But…sometimes it is good to feel shame.

How could I say such a thing? Well, sometimes it’s that feeling of shame that let’s us know that we’ve done something wrong. I emphasize wrong because sometimes we feel shame for silly mistakes, for tripping in the hall, or failing a test that we studied for intensely. There is no need to feel shame for these instances; these things are merely part of being human and imperfect. What should make us feel shame, however, are the things we do that are truly wrong. I could write a list of examples but I’m sure you’ve already got plenty that come to mind.

 

What do we do with shame?

Often, as I said before, we try to make it go away. The problem is that most people go about this process in the wrong way. So what is a healthy way to deal with shame? To face it head on. When we experience shame because we have done something wrong we need to take full ownership.  We need to admit the wrong that we have done and pursue making different choices in the future. But this can be so hard to do!

 

What frees us to face our shame?

Do you have a friend that you can admit anything to and know that their love for you does not waver? It feels safe to tell them anything. This kind of love frees us to own our shame because our wrongdoings do not have to define us or condemn us. There is freedom in facing our shame when we have a friend whose name is Jesus because he refuses to define us by our sin. Instead, seeing our shame, He stepped into it and offered a solution – His blood.  If we accept his solution instead of trying to create our own then we can trust that he will be faithful to “cast our sins into the depths of the sea” and blot out our wrongdoings. He declares instead that we are RIGHTEOUS and that we are his friends.

 

You can try to outrun your shame and find yourself in bondage to it, or you can face it head on, seek forgiveness from the cleansing blood of Christ, and be empowered to live differently knowing that you are fully loved despite your wretchedness. Bondage or Freedom. Tough choice.

 

 

Submitted by: Sarah E. White, MS