Finding Our Way: Navigating Emotional Triggers

In our previous blog we spent some time reviewing how emotions can act as an internal alarm system that alerts us to things going on within us and around us; and how listening and responding appropriately to this alarm is important for our health and well-being.  But what if you experience
your feelings as being out of control? What if you consistently hear that you are overreacting?  It is important to be able to trust our emotions, but it is also important to consider our emotions in light of our circumstances and consider if what we are feeling is in balance with what is going on.

The intensity of our emotions should often balance the intensity of our circumstances; however, sometimes this is not the case. 


Let’s consider the following example: 

A young mom is preparing a small lunch for her three young children. The baby is propped up on her hip, leaving only one hand to accomplish the task. Her three-year old son is tugging on her stating how hungry he is while her 5-year old daughter is refusing to clean up her toys. Her husband is sitting in the kitchen working on bills that are spread out across the table. She asks him to clean up and help with the children and he responds, “Just a minute, I’m almost finished.” A few minutes later she asks him again, the baby now crying in her ear and he states, “Yeah, sure, I’m working on one last thing.” The young mom feels a bubble of emotion burst inside her and she erupts in anger. She puts the baby down, yells loudly at her husband, bursts into tears and leaves the room. She avoids the family for the next few hours and leaves her husband to finish with lunch and care for the children.

We can identify with her frustration, right? Anyone would be overwhelmed and somewhat annoyed with the events that played out. But most of would probably be inclined to state that this mom’s emotional reaction was more intense than the circumstances warranted.

It is a confusing or frustrating experience when we find ourselves acting in ways that don’t make sense but we feel that we cannot control. People often respond to these situations in one of two ways: 1) denial or 2) self-contempt. I would encourage you however, to consider option 3) self-reflection. While this mom’s response is not appropriate, it is a significant point of reference for self-reflection.

What if I were to tell you that this mom was the youngest of 6 growing up. She was often overlooked and left to do things on her own, creating a feeling of helplessness and neglect. She feels pressure to do everything for her kids to make sure they don’t experience the same pain that she did and when her husband does not help her she feels that familiar pain of helplessness and neglect. Sure, she is hurt by her husband and overwhelmed by the kids, but the intensity of the emotion is more likely connected to the pain she experienced in the past and the thoughts and emotions that are triggered.

Though it is hard to take an honest look at ourselves and admit the times when our emotional responses are inappropriate, doing so, especially with the help of a trained counselor, can be significantly effective in identifying the unhelpful thoughts, triggers and buried pain that sometimes leads to these intense emotional experiences.

Identifying these underlying triggers does not excuse our behavior; however, it gives us a starting point to learn how to respond differently in the future.  It can take us from a point of feeling utterly lost, to having a clear, achievable goal. An event that was once a focus of self-contempt can then become a source of hope.

If you are experiencing a consistent pattern of heightened emotional reactions that seem inappropriate to the circumstance you are experiencing seek the help of a professional counselor to sort through it with you.